Even sociopaths have feelings
by awkwardbutawesomefangirl
Summary: Sherlock might act like everything is alright but all the "freaks" and other insults affect him more than he would like. That makes him do something he swore himself he would never do again years ago... contain a little bit of Johnlock and might trigger self-harm
1. Chapter 1

~ Chapter one ~

Sherlock is alone, at least for an hour. Moments like these are quite rare recently… There is always a case to solve and if not, John is always there. Yeah, Sherlock likes John: He is his best and only friend. But sometimes he wish he could be all alone with his thoughts, even though it's not always a good idea.

Sherlock climb the stairs up to the flat, bored, tired…Its one of those days when he's desperate to be normal, to stop all the ''Freaks'' and other words directed at him. Since younger age he has always worked on building himself a shell to keep him away from the comments, insults and feelings. He couldn't let it disturb his work. It has always worked. It's been a very long time since something had affected him deeply. And he still has the scars, permanently criss-crossed on his arms and ankles.

But even though he takes good care not letting it show, Sherlock is only human and every human breaks down once in a while… Sherlock is almost shaking when he open the door of the flat. It's been a long day and he knows that he won't be able to hold it in any longer. His pale eyes become watery as he thinks about his life in general. How can you expect someone to be perfectly happy repressing all his feelings…?

He is not a freak, nor a machine. And he has a heart… But with everyone constantly saying otherwise he is not sure anymore… At least there is John, so nice with him, so comprehensive. He is the only one who's never insulted him, he even took his defence. But since a couple of months John has changed in Sherlock mind, he has become more then a friend to him… But Sherlock knows that he need to forget that, if he don't it will only hurt him even more. John would never be attracted to Sherlock in that way….Never.

Sherlock wonders if his friend will ever let him down. It's his principal fear, he knows that he car about john more than john will ever care about him…He also know he wouldn't be able to survive it if it was to happen…


	2. Chapter 2

-Chapter 2-

Thinking about all the hate toward him and the perfect future he would never have was too much. Sherlock breaks down, crying harder than he had ever cried, at least for a long time. An idea pop into his mind… Something he hadn't done for a very long time. Something he promised himself he would never do again…

But now he don't care. The emotional distress is too big. With that idea in mind and tears dripping from his eyes he walks to the bathroom and take a razor blade, mentally preparing himself to do something he swore he would never do again. His hands shake as the cold metal blade touched his skin, and then he remembered...

He remembered a fifteen years old Sherlock Holmes, crying, desperate to end all the pain. A young him holding a razor blade and cutting. He remembered the blood making his way on his forearms, a couple of inches above his wrists to make sure nothing too bad happened. Quite fast, Sherlock had become addicted to it… even though he didn't like to think about it that way. He had done it a lot of time, until the day he cut a little too deep, a little to near his wrist. And when he was lying on the ground, Mycroft by his side, waiting for an ambulance, he swore he would never do it again…

But here he was, and even though he remembered perfectly all the bad things that resulted from his actions, he pushed the blade through his skin. Instantly, he felt relieved, even with the little physical pain it always caused it felt good. And Sherlock kept tracing lines on his arms and he felt the pain slowly vanishing… He was so concentrated on it that he didn't even noticed the footsteps in the staircase or the door opening…


	3. Chapter 3

-Chapter 3-

John's point of view

John had a long day at work but somehow managed to finish sooner. He thought Sherlock would be happy to see him. John didn't really liked the thought of his friend being on his own. God knows what experiment he might do…

John was pretty happy to go home, lately all excuses to see his flatmate were good. He worked hard to mask the true way he felt about the detective but lately his feelings had become much harder ton hide. But he needed to, he couldn't let this ruin the best friendship he ever had… And it was totally impossible that Sherlock could feel that way toward him… Sherlock considered himself married to his work, and John never saw his friend attracted to any kind of human being…. Maybe it was better like that…

The doctor climbed the stairs and opened the door, Sherlock wasn't there, but nothing to be alarmed he could possibly be in his room or in the bathroom.

Sherlock…? Where are you…?

Sherlock's point of view

Sherlock…? Where are you…?

Dang it, John was home sooner. And Sherlock was possibly in the worst position John could find him… He started to panic, what would the doctor think if he found him like this… He would probably be horrified, the he would pack his things and never come back… No, John wasn't like that…or was he? Sherlock felt his sense of control vanishing… Just like the day Mycroft had caught him… several years ago.

Sherlock, seriously where are you?

I'm here, bathroom…

Are you alright? Your voice look weird…

Oh god, his voice looked like he was crying, which he actually was…

Hum, oh, yeah sure, alright…

That wasn't really better, he though…

Are you sure… oh god… Sh…Sherlock…. What…

John had opened the bathroom door to a crying Sherlock with a bleeding arm and holding a razor blade…

I'm…I'm alright…don't look…please…

Said the detective trying to keep calm. He calmed himself and stopped crying.

What were you bloody doing, sorry maybe the bloody wasn't appropriate…

It's kind of idiot to ask that question John, you're a doctor and I suspect you've seen dozens of things like that…catching me in the makes the answer clear the proper question to ask would be "why are you doing that"…And I would answer something who goes like "I don't really want to talk about it…"

Sherlock, please… Just answer me… why?

I just said I didn't want to talk about it…

Sherlock finished cleaning his arms and walked out of the washroom calmly as if nothing just happened.

Sherlock, please, I just want to understand, can you do that for me… Oh and please, for god's sake throw that blade away…

Seems like I don't have a lot of options…

Sherlock threw the blade away and sat down. John looked frustrated but when Sherlock observed him he only look scared and sad…

Now Sherlock you are going to tell me everything… from the very start…

It's a pretty long story…

I don't care, I just want to know…

Ok, then…


	4. Chapter 4

~chapter 4~

" You know...It's a long story and..."

" SHERLOCK !"

" okay, okay, if you insist..."

Sherlock thought about what he couod tell him...He could easily lie but John looked so sad and so determined to understand that Sherlock couldn't get himself to lie to his best friend...

"It all started a long time ago... Don't talk John, I know it sound cheesy. "

" No it do..."

"Shut up ! I am trying to talk... It started at school, when I was young. As you may know, I'm not really the kind to have a lot of friends..."

"In fact..."

" John, you want to understand or not."

"Oh, yeah... Sorry."

"So, I was acting the same as I am today and was always making deductions about my fellow schoolmates. And some of them didn't appreciate it."

"I'd have guessed so..."

"Well, it was at that moment people started calling me ~freak~... My first reaction was trying to change so people would like me, but I couldn't, that's simply who I am. People might think that I don't feel anything but they're wrong, they usually are, I do feel...But I can't let it hurt me anymore... That's what I decided long ago, but I failed...yet, again..."

" You don't fail Sherlock, you can't expect to keep everything inside. "

"But look at me...look at what I've done... Everyone's right, I AM a freak... An idiot...A freak..."

"No...don't say that"

"You don't know anything John... Let me tell you... When I was 17 I cut too deep and almost died, I woke up in the hospital, Mycroft was crying, my parents were crying... I felt so bad... I swore to myself I wouldn't let this happen anymore... That i'd stop feeling..."

Sherlock started crying, he seemed so vulnerable, it broke John's heart...

"Sherlock... Don't hate yourself... There are plenty of people who care about you : Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson, Molly, Greg, me..."

"Who on earth is Greg"

"Lestrade...for god sake Sherlock, will you one day remember his name ?"

"Not important"

"You can allow yourself to feel things... They're not all that bad you know...joy...love..."

"But even those things hurt me...John, I'm not a good guy... You really shouldn't hang out with me... You should have better friends than a high functioning sociopath. "

"Don't say that...You're the best friend I ever had !"

" John, I am serious... You really shouldn't stay with me or my stupid feelings are going to destroy everything "

Sherlock realised what he said and blushed, suddenly looking all depressed. John's heart jumped... But calmed himself when he started thinking that Sherlock probably talked about friendship.

"What kind of feelings are you talking about ?"

" Forget it "

" Sherlock...please..."

" you will think that I'm crazy...You will leave me...and I can't afford it..."

And at that very moment John's heart sank... He understood what his friend meant...

Sherlock was sure John would go away, he was sure he would let him alone... But he would have never guessed what happened next...

John stepped in front of the detective... He took his face in his hands and gently touched his lips with his. Sherlock was surprised but understood what was happening... He understood that he wouldn't be alone and he returned John's kiss.

When John stopped, Sherlock thought he had done something wrong, but what his friend said proved him otherwise...

"I love you Sherlock Holmes ! And I will never ever let you down !"

And then for the first time, Sherlock wasn't scared to feel... He wasn't scared to love... And as the two lovers entered their bedroom, he wasn't scared to stop the kiss and whisper...

" I love you John Watson"


End file.
